we do the best we can in a small town.

tonight, i’m making an italian cream cake.
the last time i made one, it was for my office.
just five months ago, i was going through a season..
a season i was very unfamiliar with.
a season i had no way of preparing for.
and here i am, now.
making an italian cream cake for people i didn’t even know five months ago.
i’m at a place emotionally, mentally, and spiritually that i couldn’t even imagine five months ago.

only 6 months ago, only half a year ago, i had a sense of security.
i thought i was surrounded by people who cared for me.
now, i don’t know what to expect next week.
now, i know i’m surrounded by people who care for me.

now, i’m more content than i thought possible, then.

 

i kept seeing isaiah 41:10 everywhere, “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” little did i know that it would be a verse that i would be repeating to myself as a reminder, for strength. a reminder of hope. it would be quite an understatement to say that the past couple of months have been an interesting journey of sorts. i moved to oklahoma city. i have no idea what a comfort zone is anymore. i have no idea what my future holds. every day presents some sort of new adventure. i feel as though i’m constantly being wrecked and renewed. it’s exhausting. and lately, i’m tired.  i struggle a lot with community.. with trust.. which isn’t to say that i haven’t met amazing people. i have. i love what Jesus is doing in my church. in this city. through the hearts of the people i have the opportunity to be around. i have good days, and i have bad days.. and on both i go to sleep knowing how blessed i am. i have some amazing friends and i can’t fathom having a more incredible family. i’m trying to be better. to grow in faith. to accept grace. but some days it’s hard. and some days i’m just worn. i’m trying to learn to ‘be still and know’. i’m trying to learn how to listen. and i’m seeking direction. it’s unsettling to be so unsure of what’s to come in my own life. i guess i just want you to know that i’m alright. and although i struggle a lot, i know it’ll get better. i’m just tired. and on every tiny achievement, every baby step, i remind myself of 2 corinthians 12:9, “but he said to me, “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” therefore i will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 

dearest,
we met accidentally.
in a few short weeks and a couple of minor encounters, you have changed how i see things in many different ways.
i feel lighter around you, but my heart feels heavier.
you make me want to be better.
around you, the darkness fades.
thank you.
seriously.

it’d be a dramatic understatement to say that the last few months have been hard. 
for the first time.. in as long as i can remember.. i am at a standstill.
there’s an emptiness. and emptiness that can’t be filled by a new house in a new town. or naps every day. or hours of therapy. there’s an emptiness.

i know i am blessed but i’ve been struggling a lot with myself. with the world. with my concerns. with my hopes and my fears. i’ve been struggling a lot with where i belong in the world. my identity. for the first time in a while, i don’t have a job to define who i am. i’m in a new city where no one cares about what i’ve done or who i know. i’m amanda williams, and i don’t really know how to explain who that is.

i’m finding earthly homes in a million places. in oklahoma city with friends. at christmas in fort worth/denton/lindsay with family. in sulphur with my mom. in nyc with grant. at church at frontline in oklahoma city. i know i am blessed. i know that i am loved. i know that home is where i feel loved and that’s a million different places with so many different people. i feel loved in so many different ways and i know i’m fortunate. i know i am blessed.

when it comes down to it though, there’s still an emptiness. a longing i can’t explain. a hole that all the new houses, all the new places, and all of the loveliest people in the world cannot fill. i know i am blessed, but i am homesick. for a place that all the trains, all the rivers, all the roads can never lead me to.

i’m waiting. i’m trying to learn patience in this season of my life. but i’m homesick. i’m tired. and i know this will pass. and the song that keeps coming back… what can make me whole again? nothing but the blood…

so i wait.

im a hopeless mess when it comes to love… for anyone.